There once was a lion who was preying on a unicorn. When the lion was about to catch the unicorn, the unicorn disappeared into thin air. He had used his magic. The unicorn reappeared standing behind the lion. The unicorn laughed and uttered, "I thought you were supposed to be the king of the jungle." The lion responded in anger, "I am!!" He then proceeded to challenge the unicorn to a contest that would determine who was the fastest, strongest, and smartest of all the animals in the land. The unicorn accepted his challenge without hesitation as he thought he could win. The contest consisted of a race in order to measure the speed of each animal, pulling large branches to measure their strength, and a preying contest to determine who could outsmart the other animal in order to feed themselves and their families. Rumors of the contest spread like wild fire throughout the forest. Animals from all kinds of places in the forest made the trek to be apart of the event. As the animals arrived, they came bringing gifts for the contenders. Some sneaky animals offered the lion and the unicorn unhealthy snacks in order to fatten up their opposition. However, the generous animals brought them both healthy snacks to help the contenders be at their peak conditioning level in order to win. The lion and the unicorn had to be aware of their friends and their foes. Alas, the day of the event had arrived. The lion won the race with ease. The unicorn was no match for the lion in this category. However, the unicorn gave the lion a good scare in the strength event. The unicorn was one log away from beating the lion, but in attempting to beat the lion, the unicorn fell and injured his horn. The contest had to take a break to let the unicorn gain his strength back. During the break the lion was acting conceited, as if the other animals did not deserve his presence. Meanwhile, the unicorn had become irritated by his losing position, and was so unpleasant none of the animals wanted to be around him either. By the time the contest had resumed, the observing animals had created a plan of their own. The only event left was the preying contest which is where the lion's abilities lacked against the unicorn. However, not to the knowledge of the lion or the unicorn, the new intentions of the other animals was to get the lion and the unicorn out of the forest because they both were unpleasant to be around. The animals of the forest accomplished tricking them both into doing the preying contest in a far far away land outside of the forest. So when the lion finally caught the unicorn despite it's magic, the lion was crowned the king of the forest, but no on was around to celebrate and praise him. Nobody likes a lion that cannot win with grace and an unicorn who is a sore loser.
(The Lion and the Unicorn
Author: L Leslie Brooke
The lion and the unicorn
Were fighting for the crown;
The lion beat the unicorn
[63]
All round about the town.
Some gave them white bread,
And some gave them brown;
Some gave them plum-cake,
And sent them out of town.
(Lang, Andrew, The Lion and the Unicorn, The Nursery Rhyme Book, 1897: 62-63 The Nursery Rhyme Book)
Author's note:
I summarized this nursery rhyme into a contest with two dominate animals in the forest with equally powerful strengths. Lions always think they are the best and unicorns have magically powers, so they have a good match up. The town or forest are sick of these animals fighting for dictatorship because the rest of them want to live in harmony. During the fighting for control of the forest both animals get kicked out of the forest. Be a graceful winner and a good loser. Sports teach good sportsmanship which is a good lesson that is useful throughout a person's adult life.
Rachelle,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your interpretation of this nursery rhyme. I also really enjoyed the moral of your story. In real life, no one likes a sore loser or a cocky winner. Both of these qualities in a person can cause people to not enjoy their company. Your story had a twist when the animals decided to kick both the lion and the unicorn out of the forest. Great story!
Rachelle, I think your version of this nursery rhyme was really intriguing, and creative! I enjoyed the moral of the story as well. It makes me think of times in my life where I have seen two people become so competitive that they lose sight of their relationships in order to out-do one another! Good job on your creativity!
ReplyDeleteI really like your story, and I can feel that the lion and unicorn really don't enjoy each other at all. I liked that you added a title, too, which gave me a hint as to what the story would be about before I ready it.
ReplyDeletePerhaps my biggest critique would be to make paragraphs. The story looks intimidating to read as it is because it is just a big block of text. Dividing it into paragraphs would make it much more reader friendly, and would help it flow a bit better.
One sentence really threw me off, which said “not to the knowledge of the lion or the unicorn”. Makes sure to watch your phrasing by reading the passage allowed and second guessing yourself if certain words or phrases seem a bit off.
Another area that you need to look at is where you talk about the animals coming from throughout the forest came to the contest “bringing gifts”. This word choice cuts off the flow of this sentence; perhaps use a word like “bearing” or even just revising the sentence to make it flow a little better.
At the beginning of the story watch your variation in sentence length. Most of your sentences in the first few lines are very short, which makes the beginning very choppy. Perhaps make them longer with more detail. By doing so, you could possibly even pull us in to the story much more.
Other than that, good job! I really liked the ending and the moral of the story.
Hi Rachelle!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your story! It was interesting seeing how you made it your own and the differences you added from the original. I like the lessons that you added into your story. It is important to know who wants what is best for you and who does not. Also, no one likes a sore loser or a sore winner! I like that you found applicable lessons to add into a story. One thing I would have liked to see in your story is more description of the events that the unicorn and lion did. I think that reading about each event in more detail would be enjoyable for the reader. I also agree with what Lynze said above about making paragraphs. It just makes the story easier to read and less intimidating. I love the ending! It is cute and funny! Overall, I think that your story is really good and that you did a great job making it your own!